Forget Syria, Iran and electing our next President. The real question facing America today is whether the impending motherhood of Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi will mark the end of MTV’s “Jersey Shore.”
MTV is clamming up. The network said late last week no decision has been made on a sixth season.
What that really means, it’s safe to assume, is that MTV is calculating how to keep the show going without its most recognizable character.
“Jersey Shore” is the most popular show on MTV. It’s been a big part of the network reinventing itself as a “lifestyle” destination for people who used to watch videos there.
In the broader picture, “Jersey Shore” routinely draws more viewers than almost any show on, say, NBC.
Does anyone think MTV is going to dump all that because it can’t find another loudmouth girl in her 20s who wants to make gobs of money for cursing, fighting and drinking too much?
We’re not talking about replacing Dame Judi Dench here. Announce tryouts for Snooki’s gig and you’d have to rent out Staten Island to hold the candidates.
What’s more likely is that Snooki herself may have to retire. Babies are an incredible buzz kill for a life of hooking up and getting wasted.
But anyone troubled by the dark if remote prospect of losing “Jersey Shore” can take solace in this certifiable truth: There is no danger at all that television will run out of goofy New Jersey stereotypes.
If you want proof, mark your calendar for March 25, when CMT rolls out a movie called “Whiskey Business.”
It’s set in Shinbone, Tenn., but the main character Nicky Ferelli (Pauly Shore) is the son of a Jersey mobster.
Dad is a cartoon Soprano, while Nicky doesn’t like guns and doesn’t want to run the Mob. All he wants to do is put on his gold chains and party ’til dawn.
That is to say, he’s the personification of Jersey, and if anyone missed that point, the dialogue features an unbroken spool of lines like “What are you? The last Guido?”
If he’d just change genders, he could replace Snooki.
Meanwhile, we’re well into another season of the Jersey beauty salon show “Jerseylicious,” where at least two of the women are visually indistinguishable from Snooki.
We’ve got “Jersey Couture” and “Cake Boss,” which is a nice change of pace because they’re putting makeup on the baked goods instead of themselves.
“Real Housewives” of New Jersey bows to no one in making Jersey look like a place where you’d cross the street to avoid running into the women, never mind the men.
But perhaps the definitive confirmation of New Jersey’s TV reputation comes from the NBC sitcom “Are You There, Chelsea?”
It’s based on a book Chelsea Handler wrote about her life in L.A., The title character is a hard-drinking, hard-partying, loudmouthed waitress.
Partway through development, the producers decided something didn’t feel right.
So they moved her to New Jersey.