Five women walked into the finale, but only one walked out a million dollars richer ($1,100,000, to be
exact).
It’s no secret
that I wasn’t crazy about this season of Survivor. Just not enough likeable people and not
enough signature moments for my taste. But there is something satisfying about watching the most
deserving player from the starting line to the finish line being rewarded for their efforts. And that
is what happened on Survivor: One World when Kim Spradlin was crowned the winner. Kim may not
have the on-screen charm or charisma that Tom Westman, Parvati Shallow, or Boston Rob had, but her win
was every bit as impressive.
There are three aspects to Survivor: the social, the
strategic, and the physical. Kim was head and shoulders better than anyone else in all three
categories. She duped Troyzan, She duped Jay. She duped Alicia and Christina. She duped everyone. And
not in a mean way, but in a smart way. And she won four individual immunities as icing on the cake. The
thing that truly sealed the deal for…
[Door busts open to Ross residence; in walks a
scraggly looking man in a buff]
Dalton: “Ummm Troyzan, what are you doing
here?”
Troyzan: “Look, you, just so you know, Mr. Fancy Recapper guy, that is still my island,
okay? People say I’m just like Richard Hatch…only better!”
Dalton: “Okay. If you say
so.”
Troyzan: “Let me just ask you one thing. Just one thing. Tell me the moment where in your
mind you basically decimated my chances of winning this game. And you better tell me the right answer,
or else!”
Dalton: “Or else what?”
Troyzan: “Or else I’m going to vote for Sabrina to take
over your recaps.”
Dalton; “Sabrina?”
Troyzan” Yes, Sabrina. She’s a teacher so at least
she won’t have any many stupid typos as you do.”
Dalton: “Harsh, but fair.”
Troyzan: “So
when was it? When was the moment you demolished in your mind my chances of winning this
game?”
Dalton: “I suppose the moment I found out you called yourself Troyzan.”
Troyzan:
“SABRINA, GET OVER HERE! I’M VOTING FOR YOU AGAIN! Pssst, I vote for her for something anytime I don’t
like what people tell me.”
Dalton: “Okay, well, can I just finish that one last recap at
least?
Troyzan: “Fine, but make sure to talk all about how much sense my final vote made. And
how I’ve played the best game that anyone has ever seen.”
Dalton: “Oh, yeah, definitely. One for
the ages, buddy!”
Okay, sorry about that. Back to our regularly scheduled recap. Unfortunately,
Kim had no legitimate competition, which is why the journey for One World viewers felt so
unfulfilling at times this season. But if you like to see greatness rewarded, then the end couldn’t
help but be satisfying. After all, what was the alternative? Alicia?!? (After all, according to her,
she and Kim are total twinsies!) Okay, let’s take it from the top in an episode that provided one great
challenge, one not so great challenge, the return of an old friend, and the redemption of Kat
Edorsson.
A-maze-ing
Every Survivor finale has one big, huge, epic
challenge, and tonight’s first competition fit the bill. The players had to untie ropes to open a gate,
race across a giant balance beam maze, traverse a rope net while collecting five bags of puzzle pieces,
and then use pieces to solve puzzle, which would give them clues to three numbers. Okay, let me stop
and catch my breath for a second. Alright, then they had to use those three numbers to solve the
combination lock.
There were a lot of different elements to this challenge, meaning that even
though Christina got through the gate first, the other players had plenty of time to beat her by an
embarrassing amount of time — well, players not named “Sabrina” at least. Alicia and Chelsea were the
first ones through the maze and onto the rope net, where Alicia tried the very unique strategy of
untying other peoples’ bags for them. It is quite telling that this is the nicest thing Alicia has done
for anyone all season — and it was completely by accident.
But the real excitement was at the
end as Kim and Alicia both went to enter the number combos, only to be denied and have to run down and
check their numbers again. This opened a window for Chelsea who ran up and tried her three numbers. No
good. Their were so many wrong numbers floating around I have expected David Krumholtz and the cast of
canceled CBS drama Numb3rs to show up and start berating everyone. Krumholtz! Talk all you
want, but you’ll never live down that backwards e in the shape of a 3, my man. Eventually Kim won,
because that’s what she does.
Idol Thoughts
Kim’s victory created an
interesting decision, because she also had that hidden immunity idol she stuffed next to her vagina a
while back. The next Tribal Council would be the last one at which she could play it. But now that she
didn’t even need the idol, would she give it to Chelsea? “I don’t know that I’ve ever felt more
comfortable going into a Tribal,” said Chelsea. Gulp! And now Kim was left to regret her earlier
tomfoolery. “At the time it seemed like such a smart thing to tell Chelsea about the idol. I can
honestly say sitting here today that I wish she didn’t know.” How many times have people regretting
blabbing about the idol? It’s a vicious cycle.
And now Kim was left with the thought that if she
decided to vote her best buddy Chelsea out, not only would she be sore about being backstabbed, but she
might feel one extra layer of betrayal due to Kim not using the idol to save her. Did this contribute
to Kim’s decision to vote out Alicia at the next Tribal Council instead? Hard to say, but it may have.
The difference between Chelsea and Alicia as people was crystal clear in their comments while voting
for each other’s ouster.
Chelsea: “Alicia, I love you like a sister.”
Alicia: “Chelsea,
you’ll be just fine.” (America’s sweetheart, ladies and gentlemen!)
Kim ended up not giving
Chelsea the idol, but didn’t need to since her swing vote sent Alicia out of the game, causing a nation
to collectively celebrate. Strangers hugging strangers in the street! Cats high-pawing dogs! People
whose job it is to blur out protruding ass cheeks finally being able to take a break and breathe easy.
And then came Alicia’s final words: “The game is done. I’m out. I am definitely not a sore loser. I’m
proud of Kim. She fooled me completely.” Hey, maybe Alicia isn’t so bad after all. Maybe I’ve been way
too hard on her this whole time. Oh, wait, she’s not done talking. “And Christina, I brought you there.
All those girls wanted you out from day one, so good job, Christina. Bask in it, because you suck right
now.” Annnnnnnd she’s back.
The Return of an Old (And Always Mocked)
Friend
When it comes to ’80s glam metal, Cinderella was one of the worst. For one thing,
that’s just an awful name for a band. Whenever they tried to act all tough, all you had to do was pull
them aside and say, “Dude, you’re Cinderella.” (And then the drummer would be all like, “Dammit! I told
you we should have called ourselves The Decapitated Demons! None of you ever listen to me ‘cause I’m
just the drummer! Show a little respect!!!”) But Cinderella did have one wonderfully stupid power
ballad called “Don’t Know What You Got (Till It’s Gone).” The song was simply unforgettable, mostly due
to the fact that the singer was playing the piano out in the middle of a desert for no good reason
whatsoever.
But I am reminded of that band and that song as we all bore witness to the glorious
return of the Fallen Comrades tribute. Poor Fallen Comrades tribute. It’s been missing for the past few
seasons — as Probst explained, they simply had too much other great stuff to show instead. Not a
problem this year! So it was back. Look, no one on the planet Earth has made more fun of the stupid
Fallen Comrades montage than me. I always found it hilarious how players who barely spent any time —
and often no time — with someone else would be forced to wax poetic about that person. (“Oh,
man. Frank was…um, a guy…and…yeah, he, like, totally was here. Great job, Frank.”)
But I gotta
tell you something — I don’t know if absence made the heart grow fonder or if it is merely a sign of
what a yawner this season has been, but damn if I wasn’t kinda okay with getting some Fallen Comrades
action back. After all, without it, we wouldn’t have gotten to hear Rooster Matt tell us he’s still the
best. We wouldn’t have gotten the amusement of watching Colton running in slow motion during a
challenge. And we wouldn’t have gotten to hear Alicia tells us how she fell in love with herself out
there, which just may have been the funniest thing we heard all episode. Scratch that — all season!
Working against the Fallen Comrades montage, however, were the all too numerous shots of hairy Tarzan
in his ball-busting underwear.
The Not-So-Super Bowl
The final challenge is
almost always some sort of endurance test. One that truly tests your resolve and often pushes you to
limits of physical pain to see who wants it the most. Not this time. The Survivor challenge
team have been experimenting with various stacking competitions over the past few years, but those have
usually been about who can hold onto that stack the longest. Not this time.
This season’s final
challenge was a race. A race to move 10 small bowls — that must then be stacked on top of each other —
through a steal channel resting on a spring. First one to get all 10 through and stacked wins. I have
to admit, I was disappointed. I love that anticipation of the endurance test. Who’s gonna drop? Who’s
gonna falter? And while the design of this challenge was impressive, the end result of watching people
move little bowls around wasn’t quite the epic capper I was hoping for. Oh, and P.S. Kim won. Of course
she did.
Christina Goes Out Quietly
Everyone knew Christina was the next to
go — and that included Christina herself because Kim told her. Probst gave her a hard time for not
fighting more, and while yes, Christina should have fought more all season, once Alicia was gone, it
was clear Christina was next, making the next Tribal Council about as uneventful as Christina’s entire
game. Bye, Christina. I’m not sure why everyone hated you so much. But at the same time, I’m kinda glad
you didn’t make the finals. Just didn’t do enough. Didn’t do anything, really. So after we heard all
the sob stories from the last three and they enjoyed their finalist feast, we were off to the final
Tribal Council.
The Jury Speaks!
So the only real question heading into the
final Tribal Council was — will this be a jury that honors the best player, or a bunch of bitter
Betties who refuse to reward the person who did a better job than they did? Chelsea — my episode 1 pick
to win it all — pulled a sweet move and asked to stand while she made her opening statement (this was
something that Coach told me he would do if he made the South Pacific finals…and then didn’t;
Albert also tweeted me that he asked producers if he could stand and they said no). Chelsea said
something about having a hard time voting out Jonas and then shutting down any emotional connections.
Sabrina tried the unique strategy of telling the jury that, “I chose not to step up” in both challenges
and voting people out. So I guess you could call that the “I Suck” defense. Or maybe it was part of her
sympathy plea, the same way that she also told them how she had been fired from teaching kids “in the
toughest place in the world.”
And then we got to the Jury questions. Sometimes the “questions”
weren’t actually questions at all (Jonas to Sabrina: “Out there at the challenges, it’s amazing how bad
you sucked.”), sometimes they were loaded questions (Christina to Chelsea: “Why do you hate people?”),
and sometimes they were just a dude saying lots of words I have never heard before (Tarzan). And then
there was Leif, who used his time as a therapy session for himself to figure out why he was voted out.
It’s not that hard, Leif. It’s because YOU HAVE A PENIS! Take a look at the final 5. What did they all
have in common? There’s your answer.
Alicia took a different tack. She decided — in perhaps the
least shocking development of the season — to talk all about herself and how incredible she was! “Kim,
you and I play this game very similar. I was a kingpin, I had my pawns, Christina and Tarzan. Homegirl,
you know if I was sitting next to you, you’d be s—ting bricks right now. Because without you getting
me out, I would have had more chances of wining that money than any of yous.”
Yous?
Troyzan asked Kim what would seem to be an innocent question about when she made
the move that demolished his game, but instead it only served as a bizarre justification for his
nonsensical vote for Sabrina to be the million dollar winner.
The big question, of course, was
how many guns blazing Kat would come out with. Kat, who began the season by jumping in the water
repeatedly in a challenge even when she didn’t have to. Kat, who farted on people for giggles. Kat, who
chose people to come on the reward based on how much fun they would be to get drunk with. Kat who
laughed about how hilarious it would be to blindside someone, only to be blindsided herself. Kat who
came off like an immature and uncaring party girl the entire season. I was ready for some crazy
unwarranted bitterness. And it never came.
I’ll admit it. I rolled my eyes when she started by
pulling an Alicia and making her comments all about herself while the piano music swelled as she talked
about her open heart surgeries. But then she started addressing the jury. And she told them something
that was so crazy, it actually made sense! Hey, here’s an idea, she said. How about we vote for the
person who actually played the best game? How about we don’t base our decision on who made us angry
because they were better than us? “It takes a lot more energy to be angry about what happened in this
game,” said Kat “And it’s a lot easier to smile and to forgive and be happy, so that’s what I’m gonna
say.”
Ladies and gentlemen, if I weren’t so lazy and glued to my couch while covered in a sea of
sour cream and onion potato chips, I would stand up right now and give Kat a slow clap for that
wonderful speech. The redemption of Kat Edorsson is complete. The most important impression is the last
one you make, and Kat’s last impression was very, very good.
The Win Is
In
So Kim scored seven out of nine votes, with only Tarzan and Leif being the only ones
stubborn/stupid enough to not vote for the best player in the game. They went for Sabrina, although it
is unclear whether they were voting for her horrible performance in challenges, complete lack of
strategy, or refusal to do any work around camp. (It’s so hard to choose!) Whatever for them. At least
the rest of the jury did the right thing and Kim is now a million dollars richer. The only thing left
for us to do is see what sort of lunacy breaks out at the Reunion show.
Reunion Show
Odds & Ends
• Jeff Probst asked Matt what the hell he was thinking when the men agreed
to go to Tribal Council even though they had won immunity. Great question…to the wrong person! Turns
out Matt had already been voted out when that happened. Whoops!
• I am not sure if Bill’s hair
and silver suit are part of his comedy act or not, but they had me laughing. The initial
reaction is to wonder if he’s the long lost bongo player from The Revolution, but if you ask me, his
look had more of a Ready For The World “Oh Sheila” vibe to it. And remember what’s good for the goose,
is good for the gander.
• Colton. Ugh. He started to apologize (kinda), but then couldn’t resist
a dig by saying “At the same sense, when I left, everybody said it got boring.” No, Colton. It was
boring even when you were on. Eventually, Probst worked his way into the audience to talk to Colton’s
mommy Martha, who was not happy with her son at all. “The truth is I want to go up there right now and
say, ‘Colton, this is not what you’re supposed to be saying.’”
She then apologized for Colton
and it could have ended right there. But it didn’t. Because then it got awkward. Probst mentioned to
Martha how Colton told him how he came out of the closet very young and was “accepted immediately.
There were no issues with being gay.” Martha stammered for a bit, scrunched up her face and eventually
just stopped talking altogether. Probst rephrased the point to get her back on track, talking about the
love and support Colton had from his family after coming out as gay. The reply: “Well, he doesn’t have
that from all of his family.” And then, a silence that seemed to last approximately 5,827 years. I
mean, FOREVER! That’s live television for you.
• Wait, what is freakin’ Blossom doing at the
Survivor reunion? And why is she talking about Colton? It seems Mayim Bialik is a big
Survivor fan. “There are a lot of aspects to Colton that are really fabulous,” she said. She
then went on to say how’d she’d love to see Colton back on Survivor again, a declaration that
might just be the worst decision Mayim Bialik has made since daring to appear alongside Shamu the
killer whale on Sea World’s Mother Earth Celebration. And hold on, now some other random dude
is talking about how Colton is a great villain just like Russell, but thankfully he is completely
drowned out by the rest of the infinitely more sane audience.
• Did Jeff Probst just imply that
Tarzan’s wife yells out “Tarzan!” during sex? I really, really, really wish I had not been provided
with that information.
• Christina = hot.
• Kim beat Troyzan, Tarzan, and Chelsea (and
everyone else for that natter) out for the Sprint fan favorite vote for another $100,000. I don’t know
if that was an exciting choice, but it was probably the right one. Which also says a little something
about this season. A big something actually.
• I want to like Troyzan. I really do. But I hate
the way he refuses to admit that he got played by Kim. And the way he still refuses to admit it was a
bad idea for the men to go to Tribal Council after they won immunity. And now the way he claims that
people are telling him that “You played the game the best I’ve ever seen.” The best they’ve ever
seen?!? Have they seen, like, anything? And comparing you to Richard Hatch? Maybe the dude who played
Apollo on Battlestar Galactica, but certainly not the fat naked guy who taught the entire
country how to play this game.
Okay, guys. I’m almost out of gas. But a few more things before
we wrap up. We have an exclusive deleted scene from the finale in the video player below. Plus, I’ll be
speaking to newly crowned Survivor champ Kim Spradlin on Monday morning so look for that soon.
Also keep an eye out for my Q&A with host Jeff Probst, which will be coming soon as well. Speaking
of Probst, I spoke
to him out on location of Survivor: Philippines about the next season and the new twist and he
talks about it right here. And for Survivor coverage all year long, you can follow me on
Twitter @DaltonRoss.
Thanks a lot for playing
along for another season. I’ve been doing this for a looooooong time, but I love the community we have
built here and am proud to be a part of it. Now go have it at on the message boards and share your
thoughts about the finale and whether the right person won, and I’ll be back next fall with another
huge, bottomless scoop of the crispy!